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Post by firekeaton on Feb 18, 2008 19:29:50 GMT
Username: Firekeaton
How You Heard About Us: I have been playing on neopets for years, and I have also been to three other different probored sites.
Previous Role playing Experience: I have loved role playing since the first day I tried. I have come up with numerous plots and story's, but can't seem to make a site of my own. I have 6 characters, but I only use two of them at a time. I am really looking forward to this.
Roleplay Example: I am glad it cannot happen again, the fever of first love. For it is a fever, a burden too, whatever the poets may say. They are not brave, they are full of little cowardices, little fears without foundation, and one it so easilly bruised, so swiftly wounded, one falls to the first barbed word. Today, wrapped in the armor of approaching middle age,the infinitesimal pricks day by day brush one but lightly and are soon forgotten, but then, ho a careless word would linger, becoming a fiery stigma, and how a look, a glance over the shoulder, branded themselves as things eternal.The adult mind can lie without troubled conscious, and a gay composure, but in those but in those days, even a small deception scored the tongue lashing one against the stake itself. Love, one horrid, traumatizing face, that you can't escape, but at the same moment, wish it no never end.
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Post by firekeaton on Feb 18, 2008 19:31:04 GMT
Everyone elses was longer...oops, should I do a longer one? I thought it was better that that.
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Post by engelbert on Feb 18, 2008 19:35:16 GMT
Quality over quantity love.
It was prettily written but lacks any form of description. Could we hear about your character in this piece rather than just his/her emotions?
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Post by firekeaton on Feb 18, 2008 19:41:18 GMT
Sure, no problem, do you want me to just add to it, or should I rewrite it again?
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Post by engelbert on Feb 18, 2008 19:44:33 GMT
Either Friend. So long as we see some description (preferably both visually of your character and description of actions performed by your character).
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Post by Valalerin on Feb 18, 2008 20:30:52 GMT
I also noticed that your paragraph appears to be written in first person, though this may be due to the context of the post (A train of thought, a book extract) but it does need expansion to describe the context and a sample of your descriptive skills.
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Post by firekeaton on Feb 18, 2008 21:04:25 GMT
Red eyes stared through the single, thin stream of long red hair. Delicate, nimble fingers pushed the strand gently behind on ear, soon to be dropped n front of the gaze at a later time. A smiled twitched onto Kari's face, she was a young girl, at the age of 17, and rather short. One would take a single look at her and say she was ignorant, sweet, one who hides behind others at the sight of danger. She loved being thought of in such a way. A half-dead leaf twisted, and danced it's way over to her, Kari snatched it out of the air, and stared at it, her blood red eyes scanning the bruised veins. She was a dark figure, dressed in a black corset, and black pants that seemed far to large for her. Her only source of weapons consisted of a dagger prodded from her black boot, and it's twin in her thick, black belt. No Kari acted nothing like how she looked, she was strong, terribly clever, and adored to tangle others minds in her fiery enigma of acts. Kari released the leaf, letting it tangle it's way to it's destination. Kari let out a short sigh, and stood up, brushing the knees of her pants roughly. A vixen, that was what she was, pretty to look at, but cunning. A vicious fight as well, but never gave up. Kari smiled at the thought, yes, a vixen, a fox, it matched her perfectly.
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Post by firekeaton on Feb 18, 2008 21:05:11 GMT
Yes, I should have put quotes, it was what Kari was saying, sorry, I should have explained that.
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Post by engelbert on Feb 18, 2008 21:56:57 GMT
Though you seem to be brimming with ideas, i'm finding too many faults in the technical aspects of your writing. A couple of typo's i can handle... but we do have a spell check built into the site so there is no excuse really... My main problem is your general sentence structure. There are simply too many parts of sentences stuck together and it doesn't flow. There is simply no need to place commas before joining words such as 'and' or 'but' in many of the places you have used.
We are willing to let you try again but unless your use of grammar improves, you'll get the same reply.
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